The Burrito Must Die

They say that when you are writing a blog that you should sometimes write a post that is divisive, something that people will have a visceral reaction to and have to respond.  This is going to be that kind of a post.  For reasons I can’t honestly explain.

I don’t like burritos.

I like tacos and a lot of other Mexican foods, but I just don’t get down to burritos.  I understand that burritos and tacos are basically the same thing, but my hatred of burritos started with the fact that most of them have rice and I just don’t like that with a lot of the other things you’d find in a burrito or a taco.  Also, it’s more common to find sour cream in a taco.  (And I’ll do just about anything for some sour cream.)

However, things have gotten more complicated between me and this food stuff.  I’ve noticed something over the last 10 years or so.  Burritos have gotten easier to find and have gotten much, much larger.  This is due to the fact that has they have gotten trendy here in the states, they have gotten Americanized.  That is to say, super sized for the Walmart set.

If you walk into a Chipotle right now and order one, you will with greeted with a monstrosity so large that it needs a fucking handle, that’s wrapped in tinfoil.

Let’s break down why this is stupid.
A burrito itself is basically a wrapped taco with black beans or rice.  This means that it should it need no external wrapper, and certainly not one that’s made out of a thin metal.  But burritos are not so God damn big that if you don’t have it covered in metal – a material normally reserved for heavy construction or tanks – it will split under it’s own weight and leak all of its insides thus defeating the point of wrapping the tortilla in the first place.  Might as well had a taco for all the better it at holding together.

That I could forgive, but the great sin I will hold against tacos until the day I draw my last breath is the bankrupting of the word “taqueria.”  Granted I don’t speak spanish but I’m pretty sure taqueria roughly translates to “place white people can get tacos.”  So it would be safe to assume that any place calling itself a taqueria would specialize in tacos.

There’s a chain of restaurant’s here in Boston called Anna’s Taqueria.  I have repeatly gone into these places, asked for some tacos, and been looked at like I’m a serial killer.  In fact, I wind up with the saddest tacos you have ever seen.  Why is that you ask?  Because all the guy behind the counter is primed to make is burritos.  You’re fucking up his game.  Now he’s got to do the same thing but with a smaller tortilla and break the mussel-memory from grabbing the rice.

Before you rush to defend this guy -and I know you are – I want you to remember that this guy works for a place called a taqueria.  It has taco in the name.  Yes, I know it’s not spelled the same.  If you walked into the a place called “Burger Bob’s House Burgers” and ordered a burger only the have the cook bitch and moan because you didn’t order a steak, you’d tell him to go fuck himself.

But I’ve gotten this treatment in every taqueria I’ve ever been into.  Shit, while I was writing this post, I looked up Anna’s Taqueria and do you know what the first thing they say they make is?  It ain’t tacos.  Yes, it’s burritos.  They should call the place a burritoeria.  But they won’t.  Know why? Cause  burritoeria sounds like a fucking venereal disease.

The worst of this come when I tell people I don’t like burritos.  People rush in to defend like I called their mom a name.  (Also, be aware that I don’t lead with the venereal disease thing.) They pull any justification they can for why there is nothing wrong with the noble burrito.  But the fact of the matter is this: they thing that made burritos great was that they were self-contained, and could be carried with one hand.  However, with our American, more is better culture, we have perverted the burrito into something you couldn’t carry with one car.

I haven’t been able to eat a burrito in years without having to rest it on the table and bring my mouth to it.  So I’ll be really honest with you.  It’s not that I have the burrito.  I hate what it’s come to represent.

4 thoughts on “The Burrito Must Die

  1. I am just happy to learn that I’m not the only person who despises rice on a burrito. I always order them without rice when I go to Anna’s.

  2. But it’s like buying three meals for the price of one. That’s what I call value!

    Although by the time you go to eat it the third time the guac is all brown and the tortilla has congealed into some kind of slime. Still, value!

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